Tag Archive for rambling

Confessional

November 7, 2010 / Twix / No comments

It’s been at least a week and a half since I’ve been to the gym, and I fell off clean eating. This is only the beginning of this, to be honest. I have fallen off all of my routines, and it’s simply unacceptable. Thankfully, my boyfriend agreed to help out this week with trying to get me back on track and into healthy patterns. This last week has not been fun. It’s been a self-destructive hell that had been spiraling down more and more into a really dark, nasty, grungy place.

I’m going to recover, though. I’m a fighter.

I have a lot of things that I’m going to do – not saying things that I need to do, because I feel like putting them on a list lends up to ignoring them. I’ll be going to an open house tomorrow morning for a job that I applied for, as well as finishing preparing a cover letter and resume for a local weight loss center. I gave them a ring on Friday to find out how I couldn’t get involved with them. I’ve been thinking a lot more about what it is that I want to do, and what kinds of steps I need to take to achieve that.

I want to be a dietitian and a fitness trainer/model. I also want to be a fitness writer and researcher. That means that I need to be focusing on jobs that will lead me closer to that. Web and graphic design don’t do that. I’m trying to take as many side writing jobs as I can (mostly focusing on writing about food topics) to exercise my writing muscles, and to make a bit of change here and there as well.

A job at Macy’s will pay the rent for awhile, but I am looking for stability. Which was the title of a blog entry that I never got around to writing.

So to jump subjects, but related to stability and career goals and things like that, I saw someone’s facebook status, saying that they felt that Obama started too close to where he wanted to end up when he negotiated. This made me think of what my boyfriend said, when I was offering up some of the extra things that I have around here for sale. He kept telling me that I was starting out too low. I simply wanted to put the objects up for a price that I thought would be affordable for people, was fair, and that would sell quickly, but I realize now what he meant. I probably could have gotten an extra $20 for the washer that I ended up selling. You have to make people want to negotiate with you. Even if you make your initial point kind of outlandish, if you offer it up first, you’re more likely to be able to negotiate down to the range that you want — and even possibly end up with more than you started out bargaining for.

Then there’s the “nice girl” me. I’m tired of her getting beaten up and being anguished; I also am feeling that she’s outdated, and a relic from my childhood. People have told me that I need to be less open, caring, considerate, that kind of thing, when I am initially with people. I really am starting to think that ONLY my closest friends, family, and love should be the people I share who I truly am with. For the most part, this is true, as I tend to offer up an outlandish persona for people to interact with in public life. I’m pretty wry.

But when I tend to meet people who I want to be friends with, or who I take a strong liking to or want to care for, I open up. Far too quickly. I’ve already stated it, but I am switching a bunch of people – almost all of them – to quid pro quo. “What can you do for me, and what can I do for you?”

It sounds cold, but that’s how the game runs, and honestly, even our closest relationships are about what we can offer to the other person and what we can expect in return. So I honestly don’t feel so bad about it anymore. The nice girl is not a competitor, and – especially, I realize as I write this, with me wanting to COMPETE in fitness competitions – at this point in my life, I need to become a competitor. I need to triumph over my competition. The nice girl isn’t strong enough for that.

Finally, a friend of mine who has been dating her boyfriend for many, many years now just got engaged. Secretly, I e-watched her life at a glance, always wondering if and when they’d tie the knot; after awhile, I just assumed that they weren’t going to and that they’d stay committed but unmarried for life. Seeing them get engaged now made me realize: love has no time frame. Sometimes it takes awhile for life to line up where it needs to for two people to be able to come together as one. For everything to fall into place, and for them to be able to make a FULL commitment to one another, without the hassles of whatever problems and situations may have arisen.

People might be the right person for one another, but at that time in their life, settling down might not be the best option.

I am taking a vow today to not rush my love life, and to let things progress as they may.

Ha. Writing has really made me feel good right now. I feel calmed…

Avoiding Work and Staving off Lonliness

November 5, 2010 / Twix / No comments

I’m playing in makeup and messing with my hair right now. Avoiding working on my paper, which I told you that I’d write about but still haven’t yet. I don’t know. It’s kind of hard for me. I like attention and hanging out with people; I didn’t get that much in high school, then I got it in college, and now I’m addicted to it.

I tried asking one of my friends — who I guess is sick — about hanging out today. This is the same friend who admitted to me that since I have a boyfriend, she doesn’t hang out with me. I was mad when she said that she was in another city (which is obvious, because that’s where she lives) and couldn’t.

I don’t know. I shouldn’t expect friendship out of anyone anymore. I don’t know why I keep doing it, because it’s stupid of me and it leads to more pain and heartbreak and me being upset with myself and disappointed when people let me down. But inevitably, they’re going to do that.

I should be spending two hours plus every day in the gym, working on my physique. But I get down about that. I feel like the prettier and more confident in myself I get, the less people want to hang out with me or be around me. Was I a much more attractive option when I was much less attractive? The ugly duckling?

Still don’t know. Still writing to get my frustrations out. At this point all I can do is write and have fun with myself and laugh. I’m pretty bemused right now — I was doing my makeup, trying to emulate a really cute, sexy look, and I drew my eyebrows on with black liner.

WHICH LOOKS RIDICULOUS.

But then I mussed up my hair a bunch, and now I look like Rufio (kinda sorta yes) from Hook. You know, the movie with Robin Williams.

Who am I writing to? Who really reads this thing, anyway?

Still writing.

Still alone.

I think I’ll always be alone, save family. It bothers me, but it doesn’t. It keeps fake people away from me. I’m still doing the quid pro quo thing on people. Sometimes I want to return to being the nasty, horrendous monster that I was in 2007. Judgmental and torrential and tyrannous. I hung out with a bad group back then. They were not the best people. I came to realize that they made fun of me more than they were friends to me.

But at least I was cool and in when I was with them. We were all self-loathers, I think. We made ourselves feel better by putting other people down. Man, did that feel good.

Stream of consciousness writing, I believe, is what this is called.

Even now I’m watching that damnable (I don’t think that’s a swear) Facebook notification counter, trying to see if anyone’s taken note, if anyone’s noticed me or what I’ve said or done.

I want to be noticed.

The stream stopped there for a second.

And now it’s done.

 

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