Yet Tearyne Is Ambitious…

It’s been at least a week and a half since I’ve been to the gym, and I fell off clean eating. This is only the beginning of this, to be honest. I have fallen off all of my routines, and it’s simply unacceptable. Thankfully, my boyfriend agreed to help out this week with trying to get me back on track and into healthy patterns. This last week has not been fun. It’s been a self-destructive hell that had been spiraling down more and more into a really dark, nasty, grungy place.

I’m going to recover, though. I’m a fighter.

I have a lot of things that I’m going to do – not saying things that I need to do, because I feel like putting them on a list lends up to ignoring them. I’ll be going to an open house tomorrow morning for a job that I applied for, as well as finishing preparing a cover letter and resume for a local weight loss center. I gave them a ring on Friday to find out how I couldn’t get involved with them. I’ve been thinking a lot more about what it is that I want to do, and what kinds of steps I need to take to achieve that.

I want to be a dietitian and a fitness trainer/model. I also want to be a fitness writer and researcher. That means that I need to be focusing on jobs that will lead me closer to that. Web and graphic design don’t do that. I’m trying to take as many side writing jobs as I can (mostly focusing on writing about food topics) to exercise my writing muscles, and to make a bit of change here and there as well.

A job at Macy’s will pay the rent for awhile, but I am looking for stability. Which was the title of a blog entry that I never got around to writing.

So to jump subjects, but related to stability and career goals and things like that, I saw someone’s facebook status, saying that they felt that Obama started too close to where he wanted to end up when he negotiated. This made me think of what my boyfriend said, when I was offering up some of the extra things that I have around here for sale. He kept telling me that I was starting out too low. I simply wanted to put the objects up for a price that I thought would be affordable for people, was fair, and that would sell quickly, but I realize now what he meant. I probably could have gotten an extra $20 for the washer that I ended up selling. You have to make people want to negotiate with you. Even if you make your initial point kind of outlandish, if you offer it up first, you’re more likely to be able to negotiate down to the range that you want — and even possibly end up with more than you started out bargaining for.

Then there’s the “nice girl” me. I’m tired of her getting beaten up and being anguished; I also am feeling that she’s outdated, and a relic from my childhood. People have told me that I need to be less open, caring, considerate, that kind of thing, when I am initially with people. I really am starting to think that ONLY my closest friends, family, and love should be the people I share who I truly am with. For the most part, this is true, as I tend to offer up an outlandish persona for people to interact with in public life. I’m pretty wry.

But when I tend to meet people who I want to be friends with, or who I take a strong liking to or want to care for, I open up. Far too quickly. I’ve already stated it, but I am switching a bunch of people – almost all of them – to quid pro quo. “What can you do for me, and what can I do for you?”

It sounds cold, but that’s how the game runs, and honestly, even our closest relationships are about what we can offer to the other person and what we can expect in return. So I honestly don’t feel so bad about it anymore. The nice girl is not a competitor, and – especially, I realize as I write this, with me wanting to COMPETE in fitness competitions – at this point in my life, I need to become a competitor. I need to triumph over my competition. The nice girl isn’t strong enough for that.

Finally, a friend of mine who has been dating her boyfriend for many, many years now just got engaged. Secretly, I e-watched her life at a glance, always wondering if and when they’d tie the knot; after awhile, I just assumed that they weren’t going to and that they’d stay committed but unmarried for life. Seeing them get engaged now made me realize: love has no time frame. Sometimes it takes awhile for life to line up where it needs to for two people to be able to come together as one. For everything to fall into place, and for them to be able to make a FULL commitment to one another, without the hassles of whatever problems and situations may have arisen.

People might be the right person for one another, but at that time in their life, settling down might not be the best option.

I am taking a vow today to not rush my love life, and to let things progress as they may.

Ha. Writing has really made me feel good right now. I feel calmed…